My Home Tableau

how I learned to be excited about a child’s play

Johanna — Fri, 24 May 2013 06:00:10 +0000

Have you ever gotten really excited about your children’s play? I mean jump up and down excited?

I have.

And I have Olivia’s illness to thank. I will never view children playing quite the same.

I’ve always known that play is a vital and important part of child’s life. Maria Montessori famously said,”Play is the work of a child.”

The kind of play that we may not even give a second thought to is critically important to a child’s development. The imaginary situations and role-playing are how a child learns about life. And sometimes we hardly notice it. Until it’s not there.

One of the most “eery” parts of Olivia being so sick and the subsequent brain trauma that occurred was that she didn’t play. She just didn’t. It is really hard to explain this unless you experience it, but it was like she no longer knew what to do with toys. Or she didn’t have the energy to do it. Whatever the case, she just didn’t play.

I would sometimes give her a doll or some other interactive item and try to start the imaginary play for her, but she would just push it away with no interest.

It is safe to say that this was one of her symptoms that scared me the most. This is when I would start to wonder if something was permanently damaged in her brain. Why didn’t she just like to play like children are supposed to?

And then she started playing.

Oh the relief.

It was very gradual at first. A toy picked up here. A few minutes playing with her brother there.

And then last week, she started picking up her doll and taking her to the hospital. To the doctor’s office. To therapy. Not for real, of course, but that is what I heard her talking about when she was playing. She put her doll down in the crib and covered her with a blanket for nap time.

And today, she and Stefan played for over two hours in their room. They were cooking in a restaurant, playing with cars and dolls, going on a trip to far-away places, and who knows what else.

This may seem like normal play for a three year old, but until you have experienced a child that doesn’t play at all you have no idea how excited this made me. I would whisper-squeal to Brian, “Do you hear her? She’s playing!”

I’m sure if a stranger had heard me they would think I was crazy. She’s just doing what three-year-olds are supposed to do. And they would be right.

Play is a child’s work. For almost three months Olivia has been out of work.

Now she’s back.

And it makes this mama’s heart so happy.

treasuring a single moment when life is in transition

Johanna — Thu, 23 May 2013 06:00:40 +0000

Stefan got the very first hug.

One of the things about having a husband as a student is that life is transitional. I feel like I’m constantly having to remind myself that life is lived in ordinary moments, because we’re always planning and talking about the next thing. When we graduate, what next? Where will we move? What will we do?

For us, we have known that further schooling was in order, but there have still been so many unknowns that the “next step” topic creeps up in every single conversation.

This can be exciting and can feel like an adventure. But it is also exhausting. How many times I have thought longingly of the time when we will have a home and place that we will feel really settled and we won’t have to always be thinking about what happens next year.

Even in the car on the way to Brian’s graduation we were discussing our future path that still seemed so unclear. Little did we know that just a few hours later we would come home to an email that would make things very clear for us (more on that later as soon as plans solidify, but I can’t wait to share!). Suffice it to say that at graduation we were still very unsure what the future held.

After he walked back out, degree in hand, and the kids and I made our way to find him, I gave him a good, long hug. In that moment, there was no thought of what was next. We were simply sharing a moment of joy and gratitude that the job we had come to do had been completed. By God’s grace, we were done.

That is a moment that I will always remember.

Sometimes in the midst of uncertainty and transition the best thing to do is to simply slowly and consciously savor a single moment.

To my fellow seminary wife

Johanna — Tue, 21 May 2013 00:17:47 +0000

Forgive me for a moment as I write to a fairly small group of readers: my fellow seminary wives. Feel free to read along even if you aren’t a seminary wife. Many of these are life lessons whether in seminary or not. But this is a group of women that I hold a lot of love, appreciation, concern, and respect for. There is something unique about this time of life that knits our hearts together.

As we come to the end of our seminary career, I wanted to take a few moments to share some things I’ve learned along the way.

Everyone’s path is different

A seminary career of a couple with no children looks vastly different from that of a family with several children. A family working a full-time job and taking classes on the side looks vastly different than someone working multiple odd jobs around the primary job of classes. Some come in with their way paid. Most have to struggle their way through paying the school bills and keeping food on the table. Some go through seminary quickly. Others slowly.

Whatever your situation, remember that it is unique. It’s easy to look longingly at another family’s situation and wish it were ours. But each family has his own unique challenges and advantages that come with their particular path. We have gone through seminary very quickly. While looking back we would do it this way again, there have been a lot of challenges along the way. It’s been intense and there has been little break, but I have utmost respect for those of you that are still plugging away after years of doing this. It isn’t easy, and I admire your perseverance.

Whatever your situation, avoid comparing your path to someone else. It will only breed discontentment.

Communicate

If I could give you one single thing to work on during seminary, it is communicating with your husband. Seminary is hard on marriages. Plain and simple. So much so that at the beginning of seminary during the orientation that both husbands and wives were asked to be at, the school administrators took time to warn us about guarding our marriage during this time.

Marriage takes hard work no matter what, but the combination of academic, family, and financial pressures piling on a couple can feel very heavy at times. And there will be times when you feel like you are going to break under the pressure. This is the time to figure out how to communicate with each other again. Whether you thought you had it figured out before or not, you may be going back to the basics on learning to communicate. Do the work. It’s so worth it.

Our first semester we muddled our way through classes, work, and family life including a newborn. Silas was two weeks old when we arrived so to say I was hormonal and exhausted would be an understatement. We were hanging in there, but we weren’t thriving. A little over half way through the semester it all came to a head. A good head. The kind of breakthrough that you regularly need in a healthy, thriving marriage.

The way we communicated and functioned as a couple no longer worked exactly the same now that we were in a new phase of life. It was time to figure it out again. You can be married for years and not have a thriving marriage. Make sure your marriage is thriving. That means relearning how to communicate and work together as a team over and over again. Seminary will put this to the test, but make every effort to not let this single thing be overlooked.

Cultivate your own mind

Don’t let your husband be the only one thriving intellectually and spiritually during this phase of life. While he might be doing the formal education, you need to be cultivating your own mind. The subject matter may vary widely from your husband’s, but keep your mind active and learning.

Not only will it help you thrive as an individual during this time of life, but it will also make your marriage stronger. As your husband is growing and changing as a person, you need to be growing and changing as well. Make time to read, learn, and grow your mind.

God gave you a mind to think, learn, and cultivate. Don’t sit back and watch your husband doing all the learning. Your learning will look different, but go to work and let this be a time that you look back on of intense growth for you personally.

Be strong

Finally, be strong. Strength comes in many different forms. Don’t forget that. Strength may sometimes take the form of quietly bearing under heavy pressures. But strength may also take the form of looking your husband in the eye and graciously but courageously telling him that the family is breaking and something needs to change.

You will need a lot of grace to walk through this time of life. You will need forbearance. You will need to learn to do without certain conveniences of life. You will need to forgive freely. And you will need to learn to freely and quickly ask for forgiveness.

Being a strong woman requires great wisdom. This is the kind of strength that can only come from seeking God’s wisdom. You will need a lot of strength during these years.

And you will fail.

The first time the words, “If it weren’t for your education dreams, this wouldn’t be a problem” came bitterly out of my mouth I shocked myself. We were in this together. We both believed that this was the good and right choice for our family. How in the world did those words even cross my mouth?

Your own sin will shock you. That’s a good thing. Learn to cling to the cross of our Savior who died for words like mine spilling uncontrollably from my heart and mouth. You will know God’s grace more through your own failures than you have ever experienced before. Repent regularly and freely accept God’s forgiving grace.

God has shown Himself so faithful to me and He will do the same for you. Love your God. Love your man. And let God’s grace cover each day of your seminary career.

Mother’s Day is not joyful for everyone

Johanna — Fri, 10 May 2013 11:00:09 +0000

I’m on vacation this week, but I wanted to share this post that I originally posted last year.

Mother’s day is upon us and hopefully we will remember to call our mothers, send a card, or in someway let them know we love them and are thankful for what they mean to us. Those of us that have children surrounding us will be getting lots of hugs and kisses, homemade cards, and little gifts that they really can’t keep a secret. (Mine is pink, Stefan says, but he won’t tell me more ).

I hope that we all have a joyful day on Sunday.

But there are some for whom this day hurts. And I just want to take a moment to remind you not to forget them.

The Motherless Child

I was walking through the grocery store the other day and everywhere I looked were signs of Mother’s Day. Of course, this is just a commercial agenda to buy more, but hopefully it will remind people to not forget their mothers. I couldn’t help but think of seven children I know, my cousin’s children, who might find these signs of Mother’s Day painful. Mother’s Day accentuates what they already know all to well. They don’t have a mother anymore, and all their friends do. Sunday they will spend their first Mother’s Day without their mom to give sticky cards to and tight hugs. Their hearts are going to ache. If you know a child in this situation, you may or may not be able to do anything. But, at least, remember to pray for them. The memories will be hard.

The One With Painful Memories of Their Mother

It pains me to think that some have horrible memories of their mother. I am beyond blessed to have had a wonderful and loving mother, so I do not understand the depths of your pain. But if this is you, or someone you know, Mother’s Day can be a dark spot on the calendar. The day they are reminded of everything there mother was not. The day memories they have tried to forget somehow jump to their minds. Be sensitive. Not everyone had a loving mother.

The One Who Has Yet to Mother

The ache of empty arms seems heavier on this day. As all the moms around you are enjoying the day, this woman seems to be just a bystander. Aching to be a part, and yet wondering if she ever will. Whether you have been trying to conceive for 2 years or 10 years, the yearning is ever present. Be sensitive and aware.

I would encourage you to remember your friends that might be in anyone of these places. It can seem awkward, but I promise you, they will be grateful. Tell them you are thinking about them, especially on Mother’s Day. Write them a card. However small, acknowledge that you understand that this day is difficult. Don’t just do nothing.

I remember last year going up to my friend and telling her I was thinking about her. I had a 3-year-old grabbing onto my leg, I was holding my daughter, and I was visibly pregnant. Sometimes because we don’t want to make them more sad we just keep our distance. But, thankfully I have had friends tell me that that is much worse. Obviously, I have not struggled with infertility, and yes, that means I don’t truly understand. But I do care. And letting my friends know I care means a lot.

I hope that for you, Mother’s Day is a truly joyful day! I will be savoring the little things with my kids. Because these years truly do fly by!

How will you be spending Mother’s Day?

Homeschooling Inspiration

Johanna — Fri, 03 May 2013 10:17:13 +0000

Full disclosure: Affiliate links are used in this post. If you make a purchase through one of these links I will make a small portion of the sale. Thank you for benefiting my family and supporting this site.

For those of you that homeschool or plan to homeschool, there are a couple of resources in the ebook bundle sale that I wanted to highlight. Specifically the two ecourses from Renee at Fimby.

Learning in Love: The Preschool Years and Homeschooling from the Heart are both courses I have already benefited from. They are only about an hour or so, but will give you inspiration as you homeschool your children. The homeschooling from the heart course which targets 5-8 year olds I listened to an audio version (what you get here in the bundle), and the Learning in Love: The Preschool Years I participated live so you will get to hear my lovely voice asking questions.

Renee is an expert homeschooler. While she falls in the moderate unschooling philosophy of things, I think that even if you don’t hold to that philosophy you will learn much from her. I say moderate, because she plans and she plans well.

Things I think you’ll benefit from by listening to Renee.

Relax and let the learning process run its course

Renee has had some really quick learners and some slower learners in her family (particularly in reading which she shares openly about and I appreciate that). She has the gift of helping you as a mom realize we need to just relax and give them the help and resources they need, but then allow the learning process to happen. It will, in its time.

Tailor learning to the individual child

One of the things I have thought a lot about is how I don’t to unintentionally force my children down a particular career path just because that is where my gifts and interests lie. I’ve often been paralyzed with the question of how I am going to figure out what my kids really are passionate about and how will I tailor their education to meet those passions and unique God-given gifts. Watching Renee do this with her 3 very different children has not only been fascinating but inspiring.

Focus on the important stuff

Particularly in the preschool years, I share the same philosophy with Renee, that letters and numbers are secondary to character and love of learning. I really think that if we ground our children in solid character habits and read to them often, we don’t need to stress about teaching them how to read really early. All of that will happen, but focusing on the really important stuff pays dividends later. In the preschool course she really effectively communicates that.

Give them room to explore and create

While you may not have the creative bent that Renee’s family clearly has, I have been inspired to create more with my kids. Letting them explore in art media as well as outside really gives them opportunity to grow and learn in so many ways. I think you’ll be inspired to incorporate that more into your children’s lives.

Renee is kind and thorough. She doesn’t force her opinion on you, but she does encourage you that you can do this if this is what your family has decided is right for you. And she comes along beside you like a friend who is a little farther ahead to cheer you on and give you inspiration.

The really good news is that these classes normall priced at $7.99 are included in the eBook Bundle sale. Read all about everything in the bundle here. It’s a lot. Or purchase it here.

Grab a load of laundry to fold. Buy the bundle and get a whole lot of other things as well. And then listen and gain some inspiration. You won’t regret it.

Outsource housecleaning? No way!

Johanna — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 06:02:48 +0000

Shortly after Olivia came home from the hospital my parents gave us money specifically for a professional service to clean our home for a couple of months. At first I bristled. Paying someone else to come clean my house seemed like an absurd luxury and even though it wasn’t money out of my pocket I was still leery.

I felt pampered. And I felt lazy.

Reason prevailed, and I realized this was one gift that I needed to accept with open arms. It was a gift after all. The first time the cleaner came I was actually annoyed because it seemed horribly inconvenient to leave the house while it got cleaned. Oh the horror of being inconvenienced.

But when I came home, my feet immediately felt the smoothness of the pristine floors. My hands glided over the clean counter tops. I looked in the microwave and even that was sparkling. Even my ceiling fans had been dusted. Maybe the inconvenience of leaving the house for a few hours wasn’t so bad after all.

This whole experience has reminded me that I can’t do it all. Sometimes it is better to outsource something so you can do the important things better. Recovery from the traumatic hospital stay was a priority. I needed to emotionally and physically recover from that.

The emotional recovery was harder than I expected. Even though a few friends who have been through some traumatic situations with their own children warned me, I still figured I would just bounce back really quickly. I was surprised at how emotionally exhausted I was.

I surprised myself at how slowly my own recovery took–and I wasn’t the sick one. I hardly realized the amount of tension that was building up, and I shocked myself a few times at the thoughts and outbursts of frustration I had. All of this served as a reminder that my family’s needs, and my own needs, needed to take front seat in this recovery process.

And if housecleaning could help, well then, so be it.

The freedom of knowing that I could overlook things because it would get cleaned later, has been so nice. And, honestly, I can promise you that my floors would not have gotten nearly this clean if I had been the one doing it the last couple of months.

This wasn’t just about a clean house. It was about relieving an extra pressure and responsibility. And that is a huge gift.

We’re about to wrap up our housecleaning service. But I honestly feel ready to get back to my normal routines. Even two weeks ago I couldn’t have said that. But now, I am. I know that having a lot of extra pressure off me in these first couple of months, has shortened the overall recovery. Had I tried to do it all right from the start, I would probably still be in recovery mode.

Would I pay for it? You might wonder since it was a gift, if I would pay for it. I’m thankful my parents designated the money specifically for that, or we would never have spent the money on housecleaning, and we would have never realized how helpful it really was.

But would I actually spend the money myself? Well, right now, probably not because we are seminary students living on a shoestring budget. But honestly, this experience has showed me that it is well worth the money especially during difficult seasons, if you can legitimately spend the cash. So, yes, I would consider it again.

Thanks Mom and Dad. You contributed more than just a clean house. You contributed to my emotional and physical recovery and well being.

And you can’t put dollar signs on that.

Ultimate Homemaking Ebook Bundle Sale

Johanna — Mon, 29 Apr 2013 05:00:40 +0000

I’m excited to share this wonderful deal with you on this lovely Monday morning! Consider this is a public service announcement to let you know about a great sale going on this week only. (Heads up! Affiliate links are used in this post.)

This eBook bundle includes 97 eBooks! These bundle sales are an excellent way to get a whole lot of information at a huge discount price.

A few of these books I’ve read and several I’ve wanted to. So even if I’m not interested in all of these, the discount is worth it for the books I am interested in. And many of them I havn’t read at all so I can’t vouch for them. (You get that, right? ) I’ve participated in two of the ecourses (the homeschooling ones) and can highly recommend them, but I’ll share more about that later this week!

Here’s the list of everything that is included in the sale that Stephanie and Erin have put together.
It’s a lot of stuff, so be prepared!

This library of homemaking helps include topics such as mothering, organization and cleaning, recipes and kitchen helps, home education, spiritual growth for both moms and kids, home décor and DIY, pregnancy and baby care, frugal living, health and fitness, and even work-from-home and financial tools.

To sweeten the pot, we’ve also teamed up with 10 companies to bring you over $140 in bonus offers, giving you an affordable opportunity to get products you’ll use and love for only the cost of shipping, or in some cases, entirely for free!

What’s Included in the Sale?

When you purchase The Ultimate Homemaking eBook collection, you will get instant access to any of the 97 eBooks and eCourses listed below.

PLUS over $140 of FREE Bonuses

The Ultimate Homemaking eBook collection comes with more than $140 of FREE Bonuses from 10 companies that we know you’ll love. More on these bonuses below.

Please note: This collection is only available from 9 a.m. EST on April 29th to 11:59 p.m. EST on May 4th. There will be no late sales offered.

PLUS, You will receive FREE Bonuses from these companies…

A FREE Two-Month Membership to Fit2B Studio (for new members) or $20 off a Yearly Membership (for current members), where their wholesome workouts for the whole family are tummy safe and particularly target Diastasis Recti (split abs). ($19.98 value. No shipping restrictions.)

A $15 store credit to TruKid. With products like their award-winning sun care, they are dedicated to providing all natural skin and hair care for kids, babies, and now pets. ($15.00 value. Standard shipping applies. International shipping available.)

Your choice of incredible natural products like sea salt and clay for FREE. Choose from the Redmond Trading Earthpaste Bundle ($24.90 value) or the Facial Mud Bundle ($26.90 value). (Standard shipping applies. Continental US only.)

Your choice of a FREE heirloom sourdough starter or FREE yogurt starter from Cultures for Health, the leading supplier of starter cultures and supplies for making cultured and fermented foods ($12.95 value. US & CAN addresses only. Standard shipping applies.)

Your choice of: a FREE 3-Month Subscription (for new accounts) or 30% off a One Year Subscription. Plan to Eat is an online menu planner that uses your recipes, scheduled for the days you want them. ($15.00 value. No shipping restrictions.)

A FREE Culinary Herbs Assorted Seed Pack Check just in time for spring planting from www.wheatgrasskits.com, a living whole foods company. ($11.95 value. Standard shipping applies to all US states and territories- no international shipping for seeds.)

Get $10 off Union28′s original “my husband rocks” tee. Their marriage apparel lets you celebrate your spouse in style. ($10.00 value. Standard shipping rates apply. International shipping available, but free shipping only available within USA.)

A $10 store credit plus 1 FREE lip balm from Bee All Natural. Their whole body products nourish and heal, and are made using only the highest quality, food grade, organic ingredients. ($13.49 value. Standard shipping applies. International shipping available.)

A FREE 2 oz. bottle of your choice of liquid herbal formula from TriLight Health. They specialize in fast acting, great tasting natural herbal remedies. ($12.95 value or more. Standard shipping applies, within the USA only.)

Your choice of 3 FREE ePlanners OR a 3-Month FREE Membership to ListPlanIt, whose mobile lists will help to organize your life. ($15.00 value. No shipping restrictions.)

The fine print:

Bonus Offers

Each bonus offer can be redeemed once only per eBook Bundle purchase.
For each bonus offer, transaction numbers or proof of purchase may be required at the time of redemption.
All bonus offers are free gifts from the bonus sponsors, are their sole responsibility to provide, and are subject to availability.
All bonus offers expire at midnight on May 19th, 2013 (2 weeks from the last day of this sale).

General

It is your responsibility to download and back-up your purchase within the 1-month download time-frame. With proof of purchase, we can renew download links up until August 1st, 2013. After this date we will no longer have access to the books and will not be able to provide any new links to download.
Due to the nature of this sale, there will be no refunds available. However, we would invite you to read our Frequently Asked Questions page to learn more about the file types, the download process, how the bonus offers work, etc.

Please note: This collection is only available from 9 a.m. EST on April 29th to 11:59 p.m. EST on May 4th. There will be no late sales offered, so make sure that you get your bundle right away!

Particularly for those wanting to read these ebooks on their mobile devices (iPhones or iPads, Android, Kindle, etc.) you will want to learn more about the file types, how to download them correctly, and how to transfer them to your device. Here is a " target="_blank">FAQ page to show you how to do it for your device.

Phew! That’s a lot of stuff, isn’t it? Definitely a great deal!

Aren’t interested in all these topics? Of course you probably aren’t! Remember, once you have purchased the bundle you own all of these books so you can give these away as gifts to others that would be interested in a particular topic. As long as you delete it of your own computer, you can send a book or ecourse to someone else. So consider this a way to not only get a really good deal on books you would love, but also a way to get a good deal on a few gifts!

For only $29.97 you can get over $640 worth of books and ecourses! And on top of that you will get $140 of free products from 10 different companies!

Disclosure: These links are my affiliate link. If you purchase the bundle, I appreciate so much you using this link as I will receive a percentage of the sale. Thanks in advance!

Strategies to calm a screaming child {in the middle of the night}

Johanna — Thu, 25 Apr 2013 06:00:08 +0000

Photo credit

I’ve mentioned that Olivia has trouble sleeping. While things aren’t where we’d like them to be yet, and sometimes we have setbacks (like last night!), we are definitely moving in the right direction.

If you have ever had a child with night terrors, you know what it is like to have a screaming child that you simply can’t calm down. Different from nightmares, with this type of screaming the child is usually inconsolable and usually has no memory of it. This is really hard as a parent, because we desperately want to help them, and often there isn’t much we can do. While she is improving, Olivia sometimes has these multiple times a night. Over the past two months I’ve figured out a few strategies that help.

Mind you, sometimes none of these things help and we simply have to calmly wait for the screaming to stop, but these are some of things I’ve learned by trial and error. Whether you actually have a sleep problem or not in your home, you might find some of these helpful for calming a distressed child in the middle of the night.

Don’t…

Don’t stress

This is difficult for me to do simply because we live in an apartment with very poor insulation (read, you can hear everything). The minute Olivia starts screaming, my first thought, is “get her quiet before the neighbors get upset.” The more frustrated I get trying to calm her down, the more agitated she gets.

When a child is having a night terror, they are not aware of what is going on. They can’t think logically, and it usually isn’t something you can convince them is not there (like a nightmare). They are simply terrified, and often they don’t know exactly why.

As hard as it is, just staying calm as if it is the most normal thing in the world to be screaming at one in the morning is usually the best course of action. It will stop…eventually.

Don’t hover

This, another hard one for a parent, is a common mistake we’ve made. We want to soothe, calm, and help, and often we end up agitating them even more. They are not coherent, so getting close, patting them gently, caressing, or trying to “talk” them out of it actually makes things worse. They may even fight back. Have you ever been upset or sick and well-meaning loved ones kept hovering around you asking you what they could do and if you were okay? Sometimes that was more irritating than helpful, right? I think sometimes kids feel like that.

Hovering over a child who is screaming uncontrollably is one of the least helpful things you can do. (I’ll share my alternatives below).

Don’t overtire or over-stimulate

This is not actually for during the night, but rather a preventative strategy. I’ve found that the more tired Olivia is, the more problems she has during the night. This is a little tricky because Olivia tires very easily right now. What might have been normal activity before, now completely exhausts her. When you have a child that has sleep problems, you have to learn to fiercely guard their sleep.

Over stimulation near bed time is also a problem. Olivia struggles a lot more during the night if she has had too much going right before bed. This means that evening activities need to be severely limited…unless we want to be up dozens of times in the night.

Do

Change locations

It is almost impossible to calm Olivia without physically leaving the room she’s sleeping in. Simply walking to the living room will often jolt her out of the screaming. Also, turning on a lamp will sometimes help bring her out of the screaming. The basic idea is that you need them to wake up out of it, and sometimes a change in environment will do it. I’ve even had her lie down on the cool wood floors before, and that has helped bring her out of it. This doesn’t always stop the screaming immediately, but for Olivia if she starts waking up then I can start trying to calm her. Until then it is nearly hopeless.

Talk in a calming voice

This is something I discovered on accident, but Olivia calms down when I just start talking to her. Not a “shh, Mommy’s here,“ but just regular talking in a gentle voice. While she enjoys me singing to her when she is calm and falling asleep, if she is screaming, singing just seems to irritate and stimulate her more. But when I talk about anything in a calm, gentle voice, she often stops screaming fairly quickly.

Hold tightly…or not

While hovering is not helpful at all, sometimes holding them very tightly in a hug is reassuring. This depends on the child, and for Olivia it depends on the night. Usually, I have to try a couple of times the wrong thing before I know which night we’re on. If she is extra stimulated by touch that night, then holding her tight doesn’t work. But if I do hold her, a tight embrace is always better than just gently holding her. The tightness of the hug can help draw them back out of it. I will often feel Olivia’s body start to relax as I hold her tightly and talk reassuringly to her. Once her body starts to relax, I know the screaming will stop fairly soon after.

And then there are times that no touch at all is best. Last night Olivia was so agitated that any touching was just making it worse. Letting her walk around the living room, or lie down on the floor crying for a few minutes is usually best. I’m always right there watching her and ready to hold her. Once she comes to me to be held, I know she’s ready to be held tightly and calmed down. Until she gets out of it enough to want to be held, she will just fight me.

None of these are magic pills, and often we’re just figuring out which thing will work on a given night. But these are the things that have seemed to consistently help. We’re learning, through trial and error, and her screaming spells have definitely gotten shorter, if not yet less frequent.

What tips do you have for calming a child in the middle of the night?

What makes a good night?

Johanna — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 06:00:44 +0000

I have a couple of dear friends who frequently text me at night, and sometimes even in the middle of the night, to tell me they are praying our night goes well. While trying to find what helps Olivia sleep better, we have had a lot of rough nights, and we have had some okay nights. I’m always grateful to know that someone is praying specifically that Olivia would sleep.

As we struggle through difficult sleep patterns, long hours awake with screaming, or just plain restlessness while sleeping, I have thought a lot about what makes a good night. If you are a mom of an infant, you might consider getting 2 hours together of solid sleep a good night. If you don’t have young children you might think nothing short of a solid 8 hours is a good night. Whatever the case, we all dream of a perfectly peaceful night’s sleep.

As someone who believes with every core of my being in the sovereignty of God, I find that I have a much easier time seeing God’s hand in the big things than I do in small things. Olivia’s illness that has left its mark on our family is a big thing. While I have wondered why this happened, and wondered what God is doing in and through this, I have never once questioned the fact that God purposely planned for this to happen.

We are also in the midst of life decisions, and I trust that while I may not understand the reason for things, I do know that God has laid out a plan for our life. My theology is firmly grounded, and allows me see these life events in light of God’s working in and through our lives.

But where is my theology at two in the morning when I’m up rocking a screaming child and I desperately want sleep? Do I really believe that God will only allow exactly what is good and perfect for me even in such a small thing as my daughter’s sleep?

Do I really believe that God’s hand is in all parts of life? The big events. The little moments. The seemingly trivial circumstances. Do I believe that He lovingly chooses everything that comes into my life, giving me no more than I can handle, but exactly what I need to grow and love Him more. Shaping me equally with small insignificant moments as with big ones, to become more like Him, and to mold this broken, feeble vessel into a beautiful work of art?

Do I see His fingerprints in the small details of life just as easily as I see them in the life changing circumstances?

God loves us and lovingly chooses our circumstances. From the big to the minute, God ordains the moments in our life to make us more like Him.

As I was lying down in bed several nights after arriving home from the hospital, I breathed out in the darkness a prayer to God. But this time it was more than a plea for a good night’s rest.

“God, Olivia will only wake up tonight the exact number of times You intend for her to wake up. No more, no less. Help me to lovingly serve her in those moments. Help me to not grow weary in the calling you have given me these days. And give me grace and courage to be shaped into Your image by her sleep patterns.”

It was a good night. And it had nothing to do with how many times I woke up.

Normalizing the abnormal

Johanna — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 06:00:51 +0000

It’s been anything but normal around here, and routine has long been thrown out the window. I’ve been really frustrated about this. (Biggest understatement of the year alert!) As we adjust to the more demanding needs of a child recovering from a very serious illness, I have to swallow the difficult truth that, for us, right now, life isn’t normal.

But children need to feel like some things are normal or they feel very unsettled. And my kids have been feeling very unsettled.

After we came home and I got my feet a little more firmly on the ground, I knew we had to start finding at least some aspects of normal again. Obviously, not everything, and we are clearly still more in survival mode right now. But the kids (and us!) needed some aspects of life to look as much like normal as possible.

Anytime you are coming off a non routine time it takes awhile to get everyone back into the swing of things. While everyone is craving routine, it seems really hard to actually get back into it. Add in the fact that we are in a huge time of transition in our lives, and we have had a traumatic health crisis with lots of added doctor and therapy appointments, this has all been extremely difficult.

I thought I would share my strategy for attempting to get the family back to feeling a little more secure.

Pick one anchor

I’ve mentioned before that we like to use anchors as part of our daily rhythm. It isn’t so much about what time something happens, but an anchor or flag post, if you will, that something is changing or a new activity is beginning. Since we were coming off a chaotic and traumatic time, it was important to not try and add in all our anchors at once.

For one thing, it wasn’t going to work. But it also adds more stress when the kids have been used to no routine at all, to suddenly be throwing all their old routines back at them. Another factor is that Olivia’s needs are so demanding right now that many of our normal anchors would simply not work right now.

We chose to pick the anchor that we knew would be the most consistent. Daytime things are all subject to change because sometimes appointments dictate our day rather than my handy routine. Evenings, however, are intact so we decided to choose our family Bible time and evening routine to be the first thing that we put back into our day on a consistent basis.

It was amazing to me that as soon as we did it, it was comforting to everyone, but especially Olivia. Having been through so much in the past month it seemed like she just loved sitting and singing or reciting familiar Scripture passages. Also, early on when we were still getting very little out of her verbally, she would happily sing with us which was so good to see.

However chaotic and stressful our day is, that time at the end of the day comes like a balm for all of us. Peace, tranquility, and…normal.

Adjust the anchor

You probably guessed this, but just because we added in an anchor and it felt like normal, doesn’t mean it was exactly like normal. Adjusting to new needs has been imperative. Olivia’s attention span dramatically decreased so we have to factor that in. She also has to be put to sleep instead of just putting her in bed at night. All of this means that we have had to adjust the routine that we had in place.

We have shorter reading times and more singing during Bible time. We start earlier so we allow for plenty of time to fall asleep, etc, etc.

It is all relatively simple changes, but change has to take place. Sometimes you just have to swallow that fact that even the normal things will be different. How’s that for an oxymoron?

Our next two anchors we are (or will be) adding in are rest time and read aloud time. I’ll share more later how I’m trying to do this, but suffice it to say that with a very decreased attention span and a child that literally cannot leave my side, it is taking lots of creativity.

Pick your peaceful moment

This may simply be a positive way of saying the familiar “pick your battles” but it has really been important for my own frame of mind. As soon as we came home, I made the mental decision that bedtime would be peaceful. Our kids have always been easy to put to bed, so this didn’t seem like a difficult task, but I knew that with all the added stress and time away from parents (for the boys) things would be different.

Everyone was more needy and this showed itself most right at bedtime. Of course!

Whatever this makes you think of me, I had come to love my time alone after the kids were in bed. So much so that I would often rush through bedtime just so I could go do my own plans. Because my kids are easy to put to bed, this worked. Sadly, though, this resulted in what I know was missed moments of connection and bonding with my children.

When I came home from the hospital after 7 days of high stress and 7 days without putting my boys in bed at night, I realized I had been missing a lot by rushing through those bedtimes. They were wanting more from me right at the very moment I was wanting less of them. And I often reacted with an adult, socially acceptable version of the toddler scream: “That’s Mine!” I still sometimes struggle with this. I’m tired…no…exhausted at the end of the day, and I can.not.wait. for the house to be quiet.

Deciding that bedtime would be peaceful, and, therefore, no matter how much time my children needed as we put them to bed I would give it to them, was a really important decision. I sang a lot of songs for several nights. They needed security and comfort and I sat there with them until they were sound asleep. Bedtime those first few days took a couple of hours. But they were peaceful and special hours of sweet moments with my children. Not crying and commands of “go back to bed” hours.

As they realized and believed that I really would give them what they needed, they slowly began needing less. Funny how that works. Now, for the most part the boys are back to their normal going to bed procedures. But I still spend a few extra minutes with them. And on those nights that I sense they need more, I give it to them. But most of the time they’re okay, because they instinctively know now that I will give it if they need it.

Life isn’t normal. It’s actually quite stressful right now. But finding small moments to normalize the chaotic helps settle small little people. We’re far from being completely settled, and my children are still reacting in ways that show me they are still feeling the stress of our lives right now. Little windows of routine in an otherwise routine-less day helps the process slowly inch toward normal.

Maybe someday we’ll be there. Maybe when we get to normal it won’t look anything like last month’s normal. Or more likely, we’ll realize we’ve learned a whole new normal that we’re all okay with. Until then we’ll just keep inching our way, one small routine at a time.

My Home Tableau

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