In Which I Tell You ‘I Love Me’

I am on the floor playing with the kids. My son is happily listing off all the people he loves. “I love Mommy. I love Daddy.” A pause as he places another Lego on his creation, and then he quips innocently, “I love me.”

I am jolted by the reality of what he just said. Oh the honesty. The shameless truth.

I move on throughout the day, the incident nearly erased from my mind.

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That evening I am sharing complaining to my husband about all the inconveniences of the week. Apparently a dead computer and having the car in the shop is the modern day equivalent of a drought or something. It is bad enough that I am stuck at home unable to do the things I had planned. But then to not have a computer on top of that? Really, could it get any worse? I have clearly had an easy life.

My plans altered. My schedule changed. My world inconvenienced.

My husband sympathizes with the situation, but the resulting discussion reveals my own heart. It really comes down to a struggle between God’s Kingdom and my kingdom.  God ordains events and circumstances. I struggle with frustration only because I do not want to accept that my kingdom has been shaken up. And I don’t like it.

It turns out I am no different than my son. I love me. 

How easy it is for me to accept a Sovereign God when things are going my way. But I am plummeted into a sea of self pity when the smallest thing alters my plans. And how quickly do I begin to dish out all the excuses for why I am upset.

I didn’t sleep well last night. It was a stressful day. I had to change my plans. My computer doesn’t work. My car is in the shop. My, my my, I, I, I…

I make it look prettier than the bare, raw, open, “I love me,” but it is no different.

The love of me balking at the God of the universe.

My little kingdom at strife with God’s kingdom.

My kingdom, which is no more solid than a sand castle waiting for the next wave to erase its existence, at war against the God who never changes.

Oh God, help me today to love you more than me.

Give me joy in Your Kingdom, not mine.

Give me contentment in Your plan for my day, not my plan.

Are you struggling with something big or small in your life today? Are you in a war of kingdoms?

Comments

  1. katie moore says:

    Hi. I just have to tell you that I love your blog! I started reading it through Donna’s facebook and now I keep up with it all the time. There’s no doubt you are a solid Christian woman and I’m glad you share your thoughts and devotion with us!

  2. elva farrell says:

    All I can say this time, is that I agree with every word!! Thank you for speaking MY heart! :)

  3. Yes! I think He wants to show us that He alone can satisfy…not the car, not the beloved computer…sometimes I hear Him calling to me “Just give me a chance”. I am right there with you, thank you for your transparency.

  4. This is such a daily struggle for all of us. Thank you for the reminder. I need it right now especially as I’m in such a transition time and taking care of MY needs seems to be at the forefront of my thoughts.

  5. Ok, our power went out two days ago and of course the atrocity. Oh the horror! Then we found it wouldnt be restored until the next day, by evening at best. What??! And we have a generator!! But oh, the pain of cranking that thing on… How pathetic are we? And then the power clicked on in the night, a day earlier than expected.

    Could we not just be thankful we were spared in the nasty storm that breezed by? Not to mention our home! My kingdom is no more solid than… Like you wrote. But how I depend on it so.

    • Johanna says:

      ooohhh…I think I would have a tough time if our power went out for two days. We’re so dependent on these things, aren’t we?!

  6. Thank you for this reminder which was timely for a number of things that have taken place in the last couple of weeks (some small and trite, others big but each one adding to the frustration building in my heart). The Lord used this post in a big way to encourage and challenge me so thank you for taking time to share honestly from your heart!

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